I am looking around and still I am not happy. Have you ever not known what you wanted? I mean really not know what you want. I remember a time not to long ago that I wanted everything, and now as I look around I want nothing. Please don't be confused. This statement is not meant to mean that I have “no wants” or “desires”, but more to mean I want “nothing”.
Now, what I write will possibly scare people because I feel that they will think they understand when in fact they don't. To be perfectly clear let me say this first: I don’t want to die. I am not planning on dieing. I am planning on living. What I am seeking is more like a complete “nothingness”. I am missing the necessary indifference which is the primary component of “nothingness”. I am glad to be alive and I am glad to have lived. I wish to continue to live a long and healthy life. There is a part of me that wishes to “exist” in a bubble that is outside and away from the rest of the world, and there is unfortunately an equally strong portion of me that says we need to be involved if there is going to be any change. I wish I could write an accurate description of how this conflict affects me in my average day.
I am torn between what is best for “me”, and what is best for my “self”. (CAUTION: More confusion coming) In this context “me” is defined as my “soul”, my inner joy, my peaceful content with existence as we understand it. My “self” is defined as the body whose responsibilities create impacts in the life of others. “Me” affects me, and “self” concerns others.
I suppose it could be argued that the balance of the two is the holy grail of our lives. I don't know. I do know that I have not yet figured out if balance is possible for me. I tend to think that I will never get “self” working well until I COMPLETELY have “me” working well, and “me” is putting up a fight.
“Me” actually is feeling better now than I have in a long time. Having said that though let me say that “me” is still messed up. I have settled some things in my mind that helps “me” get out of bed in the morning. The resolution of these things basically comes with the concept that there are things that affect my “self” that I can not change and likely will never be able to change. I know that this seems like such a simple statement. It is a statement that we say out loud in our lives, but how many of us say it truly to ourselves, in our heads. The desires of “self” are like a cigarette addiction. No matter how long I have been an “ex”-smoker I feel I will always instinctively reach for my lighter after dinner, and in life no matter how many times I strive for happiness of “me”, I instinctively dream of happiness for my “self”. Which is to say that instinctively I try to improve the parts of my life that impact others rather than try to make my decisions based on what will bring me my own inner joy. I want to make my family and loved ones happy. I want them to not worry about me. I know that if I achieve and succeed they will be happier, and instinctively I try to give them that happiness. I don't think that this is necessarily the way to insure contentment for “me”.