A friend got in touch with me today that I have not been able to talk to in awhile. I was glad that over all the news I gave him to catch him up was good news. I mean there was some bad stuff but for the most part my outlook has become more positive. I don't think that anything had really changed with the exception of my ability to accept it.
When I was in Jr. High I had borrowed a friend’s art tablet with some sketches in it. Together we were working on a “comic book.” While doing some drawing in it a girl noticed the drawings my friend had done and I gladly took credit for them. Needless to say my friend was not too pleased with this decided that a fight was the only way to settle his honor. It’s rare that I am not able to talk my way through situation. I later learned that sometimes in life, some people just need to fight. I knew he was looking for me. I knew what was coming, and like most things in Jr. High this was the end of the world. Long story short people for many days commented on how amazed they were that I did not go down. It was one hit, but it was hard. It hurt. Amazingly I did not die! Now I know that this seems silly when I look back on it after experiencing things later on in my life. I did not fight back that day because I knew there was no hope of “winning”. I was resolved to “take the hit” like a man.
I have realized now that although I have been telling myself that I have been fighting, I don't believe I have been fighting as hard as I could, as hard as I can. Since my diagnoses I have walked the halls of my life fearfully, and patiently preparing myself to “take the hit.” My only hope was to not go down when the punch hits and look good for the crowd. Can you imagine being more concerned about looking good while I die, rather than the death itself.
Until recently I have handled the idea of my death as just something that was coming. I mean I know its coming for all of us, and I am not looking forward to it, but I would be lying if I said that there were not times that I wish it would just hurry up and get here. I think most people at sometime in their life have honestly wished to die as some way to escape the pain in their life.
There are a lot of times that I should have died. Car accidents, parachute accidents, war, and just general stupidity have all brought me close to death but due to some cosmic lotto I am still here and some are not.
I have recently decided that I want to live. I would like to tell you or anyone a good manly reason like I am living for my daughter or for my family, but the fact is I am now fighting for me. I “want” to live now, whereas before I think it was just something that I prefered.
Don't think that I was alone in thinking the way I was. One fact that we have in this existence is that we are not alone. Although we are unique we are not special. If you have felt like life is only a preference and not a desire then I beg you to examine all the reasons why you might feel this way. You might end up changing your mind.
Sometimes a change of perspective is all it takes for things to seem better.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Now I am scared
I have been working on a bunch of lies to tell myself about why I have not been writing lately. I have been spending my time watching the news, as well as trying to get some research done about my medical problems. I played a game for awhile. The company which sponsors it has been offering free play time during the holidays, and anything free that helps me relax sounds like a good idea to me.
These are all truths. The Fact is I am scared. I am sure I am not alone when I say that it is often when we have a lot of time to ourselves that we come up with some very profound understanding if the world and how it works. Its like making that one in a million basketball shot and looking around to realize that no one is going to believe you, and you know that you’ll never be able to do it again.
I am scared of many of the things that these writings have led me to. I am scared that now that I have a clear head that I am going to go on some self righteous rampage that will alienate my friends and family. We all want to give good advice to those we love, and I have a long standing habit of giving advice even when I am not asked. What most people don't realize is that I am not offended if you don't take my advice. I do however wait patiently for the “I told you so.” option to present itself. I admit it. I am as guilty as anyone else. I am as much a part of the problem as anyone could be. All I can do is try daily to remind myself of this and try to understand the reasons why.
I am scared that my explanations will be taken as excuses. I thought a lot over the holidays about the small differences between those words. When I say differences I mean I have tried to think hard about what those words mean to me. So far the best I can come up with is “point of view”, but that seems like a weak description at best. I believe that excuses are based on “truth” and explanations are based on “fact.” If you have read a lot of the posts here then you understand the differences between those two. To make it simple in this case though let me try to explain like this: An excuse is based in the truths of one entity, whereas an explanation presents the facts for everyone. (OK that’s just as confusing…lol, but I hope it gives you another angle to try to understand what I am trying to say.)
I am scared that I won’t have the strength to change the things that I find wrong with myself once I discover what they are. There is a reason why we tell ourselves the lies that we do. We do it because the facts are so hard to face that we feel it is impossible. It is important to me that I face these things and conquer them with the tools I have myself and not rely on some outer influence to handle it for me.
When I was a child there was a boy who lived on the corner of my block, who while trying to be an amateur magician inadvertently taught me there was not real magic. Later in my life my grandfather taught me how to catch someone cheating at cards. The best way to catch someone is to know how to do it yourself. He did not teach me “to” cheat. Cheating was my decision. I freely admit that.
I am scared that by looking to closely for the facts of my life I will take away some of the magic that brings me happiness. I want so much to believe in the real magic of life that I actively try to disprove it.
I have no faith, but I do have hope.
To me someone with faith “knows” that things will turn out alright regardless of the evidence that might prove otherwise. Someone with hope acknowledges that it might not. My plan is to continue to have hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I believe I would be stupid to do otherwise. I know that many would argue the point with me but I believe faith to be counterproductive.
It’s a new year and in keeping with tradition I have a resolution. I resolve a couple things really and I want to get them down here. I resolve this year to be a pain the ass of my ex-wives. I plan on doing this by bombarding my children with communications in a manner that would make any Psyop’er proud. I resolve to get rid of my excuses and get only down to the explanations. I resolve to stop being scared of myself. I have overcome myself before and I know I can do it again.
These are all truths. The Fact is I am scared. I am sure I am not alone when I say that it is often when we have a lot of time to ourselves that we come up with some very profound understanding if the world and how it works. Its like making that one in a million basketball shot and looking around to realize that no one is going to believe you, and you know that you’ll never be able to do it again.
I am scared of many of the things that these writings have led me to. I am scared that now that I have a clear head that I am going to go on some self righteous rampage that will alienate my friends and family. We all want to give good advice to those we love, and I have a long standing habit of giving advice even when I am not asked. What most people don't realize is that I am not offended if you don't take my advice. I do however wait patiently for the “I told you so.” option to present itself. I admit it. I am as guilty as anyone else. I am as much a part of the problem as anyone could be. All I can do is try daily to remind myself of this and try to understand the reasons why.
I am scared that my explanations will be taken as excuses. I thought a lot over the holidays about the small differences between those words. When I say differences I mean I have tried to think hard about what those words mean to me. So far the best I can come up with is “point of view”, but that seems like a weak description at best. I believe that excuses are based on “truth” and explanations are based on “fact.” If you have read a lot of the posts here then you understand the differences between those two. To make it simple in this case though let me try to explain like this: An excuse is based in the truths of one entity, whereas an explanation presents the facts for everyone. (OK that’s just as confusing…lol, but I hope it gives you another angle to try to understand what I am trying to say.)
I am scared that I won’t have the strength to change the things that I find wrong with myself once I discover what they are. There is a reason why we tell ourselves the lies that we do. We do it because the facts are so hard to face that we feel it is impossible. It is important to me that I face these things and conquer them with the tools I have myself and not rely on some outer influence to handle it for me.
When I was a child there was a boy who lived on the corner of my block, who while trying to be an amateur magician inadvertently taught me there was not real magic. Later in my life my grandfather taught me how to catch someone cheating at cards. The best way to catch someone is to know how to do it yourself. He did not teach me “to” cheat. Cheating was my decision. I freely admit that.
I am scared that by looking to closely for the facts of my life I will take away some of the magic that brings me happiness. I want so much to believe in the real magic of life that I actively try to disprove it.
I have no faith, but I do have hope.
To me someone with faith “knows” that things will turn out alright regardless of the evidence that might prove otherwise. Someone with hope acknowledges that it might not. My plan is to continue to have hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I believe I would be stupid to do otherwise. I know that many would argue the point with me but I believe faith to be counterproductive.
It’s a new year and in keeping with tradition I have a resolution. I resolve a couple things really and I want to get them down here. I resolve this year to be a pain the ass of my ex-wives. I plan on doing this by bombarding my children with communications in a manner that would make any Psyop’er proud. I resolve to get rid of my excuses and get only down to the explanations. I resolve to stop being scared of myself. I have overcome myself before and I know I can do it again.
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