A friend of mine wrote me recently after having read the things that I have posted here and told me that I am a different person here than I am in real life. Here I am “full of anger and desperation”.
I hope that the casual reader here, if there is any…lol does not get the idea that I am a person who has no hope about the world. Quite the contrary I like to think that all things considered I am a happy guy.
I use this area more as a way to think through things that are happening in my life and in our world, and yes some if not most of these things are negative things, but by understanding what makes me angry and desperate I come closer to understanding what really makes me happy and fulfilled. It’s a fact of human nature that we do not appreciate a warm summer breeze until we have spent the winter curled under blankets on an air mattress because we can afford neither a bed nor heat.
Here I can begin to purge myself.
As a people we as humans can not, and will not appreciate the good things in our lives until we can understand the true reasons behind the things that make us sad. I am not saying that the things I have here are the complete picture describing the basis for the evils in the world, or even the evils in my personal world, but they are a lot closer then the lies we tell ourselves daily. They are definitely closer to the truth than we allow others to tell us daily.
I write these things here rather than in a private journal because quite frankly I do not trust myself to be honest to myself. I want happiness but I want it because I earned it and not because someone sold me a cheap substitute. When left to my own thoughts I can be diverted away from the facts quite easily. When I put my thoughts here I feel pressured to find a reasonable answer that goes beyond something we can be told on television. There is not a high chance that anyone is ever going to read these posts that I have made, but still the possibility is enough to make me want to think these things through. Here if I lie to myself about these personal matters someone might call me on it.
When talking about politics or my divorces, or my feelings on my children or religion or (insert subject here) it is so easy for me to just feel sorry for myself like so many do and say “I am right”, regardless of what I know to be fact.
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A friend pointed out to me once that truth and fact are not the same and if I treat them the same I will continue to be confused.
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When we are making decisions about our lives we tend to use only the facts that are convenient to us at the time rather than constantly use all the knowledge we have. This is how we create our own truths. We’re lazy. Here with the possible judgment of strangers looming over me I am forced to prove myself, by explaining why. Knowing that this might pass in front of other eyes makes me think outside myself and be more of a balanced judge of my own emotions and reactions. I have to work to try to understand why. Like a child wondering about the color of the sky, one “why” should never be enough. At what age do we start telling our children that they need to just accept the first answer we give them? At what age were we told, and WHY were we told?
You see like that child one “why” is never enough because there is always another “why” waiting.
The things I have here are not “all” written out of anger. Granted, frustration is a driving factor behind some of my views, but once I come to terms with something I can not change than I am more likely to accept it for what it is and move on. I am not “angry” that the sky is blue, but I am “desperate” to know why.
If in passing I either answer someone’s “why”, cause them to ask “why” for themselves, or at a minimum make them rethink something they have already made a decision on then all the better.
I really don’t want to change anyone’s opinion on any subject, but I want everyone to realize “why” you have the opinions you have. Make sure it’s yours and not one you have borrowed.
