We as men in America are not given the option to be bad humans. We are defined not by our ability to give or receive love but by our ability to provide for the ones we love. I am twice divorced and have two lovely daughters, who I worship.
Health issues have not exactly allowed me to live the life I would have liked to live. Because of that I have never been able to help with the lives of my daughters after my divorces. I have barely been able to survive myself, and I would not have survived had it not been for the charity of others.
These are things that I “know” are not my fault but I can not properly describe the shame I have when I think about it. I “should” be able to do more, but every plan seems to crap out. Geography does not allow me to visit and if I were to visit I can literally do nothing. Both girls are at an age where it is hard to understand.
This year I would maybe be able to see my second daughter at Christmas. To do this I would have to borrow a car, drive illegally risking jail time because I have no license or insurance. I was told in a reply email that my daughter had “moved on”. Then I was told how much she cries when I can’t stay. I was not told to “stay away”, but the letter was definitely angled to let me know exactly how it would end up being a burden on my daughter and my ex-wife’s new family.
I don’t understand what I am supposed to do. I don’t know which way makes me the worst father. I feel like visiting disturbs her life and makes her sad. I feel like trying to visit her makes me a bad father because I have nothing to offer her other than a hug. In one hand I miss her with all my heart and cry when I think that I can not hold her, but in the another part of brain says that if I love her I will let her “move on”.
Can a 7 year old “move on”? Am I paranoid to think that she was given a little help by her mother in which direction she should move?
I am in a good relationship now, with someone who has made me very happy. She understands my limitations, but always pushes me to keep trying. There is not a lot of money available for anything other than utilities and this internet connection which we use for communication. Things don’t look as dark in my life as they used too. I feel like if I could be a small part of my daughters’ life then I might be able to be happy about myself and my life. Should I wait?
I am quite sure that there are some real asshole Dads out there, but I don’t feel that my income and health should be a factor.
I am equally sure that not all people considered to be bad fathers are bad fathers. I believe it’s another example our world changing without our definitions changing. Our world is judged in black and white, unfortunately all of the gray is shoved into the black area. To make it worse it’s NOT SOCIETY that is judging us. It is WE THE DADS who is our own worst critics. Many of us are so ashamed that we can not give our children the life we swore that we would give them when we watched them being born. We want so much for our children to be happy that we wonder if that is possible if we are part of there lives.
If all things could be grouped in the realms of love and hate, then it very possible that the only thing stronger than a parents love for their child is the Hate they feel for themselves when they think about how they have failed her.
By stepping away, have I failed her again?
