I am still here. I have been working on a project concerning my oldest daughter from my first marriage. I have done some talking here concerning my feeling concerning my youngest daughter. As I have written a few posts ago I am resolved to have more contact with my daughters. Unfortunately when this concerns my oldest I have a few barriers in my way.
First of all let me say that I have no legal restriction on contact with either of my daughters. When I say contact I mean the ability to write letters and or speak on the phone. A judge set up a child support schedule for me based on what he was told my income was, and my visitation rights are based on the ability to pay that schedule. I have not paid anything for child support and have not been able to see my daughter. My first wife believes that my contact with my daughter should limited concerning any writing, phone, pictures or information. I can only guess that this is a fact because the mother will not speak to me on this or any subject. I feel that my in-ability to pay for visitation as well as my ex-wife’s stubbornness may have caused a divide that my daughter will not be able to cross. My daughter is a teenager now and I have received one e-card, and one letter.
Recently through some creative web searches I have been able to find the location of my daughter. I have looked many times in the past and always come up with nothing. I have no proof, but I believe my ex-wife understands that I am looking and also understands that it is my desire to be better informed of my daughter’s life. I have a picture on my desk of my daughter taken for Christmas. She is about 2 years old in that picture. Stuck in that frame I have a picture of her asleep on my chest on the couch. These are the last and only images I have of my daughter.
For those of you, who have not bothered to read any of the other posts here, let me remind you that I AM NOT DEFENDING MYSELF. I admit freely that the things I did were in many ways wrong. I am not here for an argument. I am here in an effort to understand why I am the way I am, and how to make myself better.
My first wife and I did things to hurt each other. We were very young when we decided to marry and I believe if she were here she would tell you that we did it to early. We were two stupid kids who needed desperately to feel like grown-ups. I can proudly say that she was not pregnant until after we were married, unlike so many of those who get married at that age. I believe we were responsible for our age but were not responsible enough. I won’t list the good and bad on both sides because a divorce is just as much a product of teamwork as a marriage. I will say though that I do at least regret my part or ruining that relationship.
My feelings concerning my marriage and divorce to my first wife are blurry at best. Looking back I think I can honestly say I was in shock and doing everything I could do to forget everything about the time for years. I reacted badly.
I understand that there is no way to make up for the time I have lost with my daughter. I know that there was a point in my life that I really stopped caring about the idea of whom or what my father was. I can only imagine that my daughter feels the same about me. The only difference here is that my father died when I was young and therefore did not have the chance to try harder. I don't have faith that he would have, but I can at least hope.
I don't know if my daughter hopes for me. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I am basing so many things on guesswork. I hate not having facts.
I am ashamed when I realize I have gone days without thinking of her. She has not been a part of my life for so long it’s hard to think of her. I know there is a father somewhere who can honestly say that not a day has gone by that he has not planned on a grand reunion with his daughter, but I am not him. I feel I should be. I would like to have been, but I am not. My life got in the way. I ran so far so fast. FEAR. I would greatly like to give my daughter the opportunity to tell me to stay away, but it would have to be after I feel that she has had time to meet “me” and not the “me” that her imagination and mother have created. I am not saying that she will like “me” any better but it is only fair. I love my daughter, but I am afraid that my love is limited now to the picture on my desk. I love that girl. I would love greatly to get to know the real person that she has grown to be and will grow into. It is very likely that she has a picture of me from that time. I know she knows who I am and I am proud to say that she still has my last name regardless of her mothers remarriage. I know it’s a small thing, but it gives me hope.
I have a feeling that his will be a subject I will come back to from time to time over the next couple of weeks. I feel that I have A LOT of work to do in this area. My opinions might change as I study more but, and I will likely end up contradicting myself somewhere but that’s part of learning.
A method of interrogation is to ask the same question repeatedly and monitor the changes in the subject’s response. The subject will remember what they said and try to keep the story straight but monitoring the slight changes in the answers will lead you past the truths into that facts. I am sure I will be asking myself these questions for along time. The only thing I am sure of at the moment is that I have a lot of work to do.
