A friend got in touch with me today that I have not been able to talk to in awhile. I was glad that over all the news I gave him to catch him up was good news. I mean there was some bad stuff but for the most part my outlook has become more positive. I don't think that anything had really changed with the exception of my ability to accept it.
When I was in Jr. High I had borrowed a friend’s art tablet with some sketches in it. Together we were working on a “comic book.” While doing some drawing in it a girl noticed the drawings my friend had done and I gladly took credit for them. Needless to say my friend was not too pleased with this decided that a fight was the only way to settle his honor. It’s rare that I am not able to talk my way through situation. I later learned that sometimes in life, some people just need to fight. I knew he was looking for me. I knew what was coming, and like most things in Jr. High this was the end of the world. Long story short people for many days commented on how amazed they were that I did not go down. It was one hit, but it was hard. It hurt. Amazingly I did not die! Now I know that this seems silly when I look back on it after experiencing things later on in my life. I did not fight back that day because I knew there was no hope of “winning”. I was resolved to “take the hit” like a man.
I have realized now that although I have been telling myself that I have been fighting, I don't believe I have been fighting as hard as I could, as hard as I can. Since my diagnoses I have walked the halls of my life fearfully, and patiently preparing myself to “take the hit.” My only hope was to not go down when the punch hits and look good for the crowd. Can you imagine being more concerned about looking good while I die, rather than the death itself.
Until recently I have handled the idea of my death as just something that was coming. I mean I know its coming for all of us, and I am not looking forward to it, but I would be lying if I said that there were not times that I wish it would just hurry up and get here. I think most people at sometime in their life have honestly wished to die as some way to escape the pain in their life.
There are a lot of times that I should have died. Car accidents, parachute accidents, war, and just general stupidity have all brought me close to death but due to some cosmic lotto I am still here and some are not.
I have recently decided that I want to live. I would like to tell you or anyone a good manly reason like I am living for my daughter or for my family, but the fact is I am now fighting for me. I “want” to live now, whereas before I think it was just something that I prefered.
Don't think that I was alone in thinking the way I was. One fact that we have in this existence is that we are not alone. Although we are unique we are not special. If you have felt like life is only a preference and not a desire then I beg you to examine all the reasons why you might feel this way. You might end up changing your mind.
Sometimes a change of perspective is all it takes for things to seem better.
