I have been working on a bunch of lies to tell myself about why I have not been writing lately. I have been spending my time watching the news, as well as trying to get some research done about my medical problems. I played a game for awhile. The company which sponsors it has been offering free play time during the holidays, and anything free that helps me relax sounds like a good idea to me.
These are all truths. The Fact is I am scared. I am sure I am not alone when I say that it is often when we have a lot of time to ourselves that we come up with some very profound understanding if the world and how it works. Its like making that one in a million basketball shot and looking around to realize that no one is going to believe you, and you know that you’ll never be able to do it again.
I am scared of many of the things that these writings have led me to. I am scared that now that I have a clear head that I am going to go on some self righteous rampage that will alienate my friends and family. We all want to give good advice to those we love, and I have a long standing habit of giving advice even when I am not asked. What most people don't realize is that I am not offended if you don't take my advice. I do however wait patiently for the “I told you so.” option to present itself. I admit it. I am as guilty as anyone else. I am as much a part of the problem as anyone could be. All I can do is try daily to remind myself of this and try to understand the reasons why.
I am scared that my explanations will be taken as excuses. I thought a lot over the holidays about the small differences between those words. When I say differences I mean I have tried to think hard about what those words mean to me. So far the best I can come up with is “point of view”, but that seems like a weak description at best. I believe that excuses are based on “truth” and explanations are based on “fact.” If you have read a lot of the posts here then you understand the differences between those two. To make it simple in this case though let me try to explain like this: An excuse is based in the truths of one entity, whereas an explanation presents the facts for everyone. (OK that’s just as confusing…lol, but I hope it gives you another angle to try to understand what I am trying to say.)
I am scared that I won’t have the strength to change the things that I find wrong with myself once I discover what they are. There is a reason why we tell ourselves the lies that we do. We do it because the facts are so hard to face that we feel it is impossible. It is important to me that I face these things and conquer them with the tools I have myself and not rely on some outer influence to handle it for me.
When I was a child there was a boy who lived on the corner of my block, who while trying to be an amateur magician inadvertently taught me there was not real magic. Later in my life my grandfather taught me how to catch someone cheating at cards. The best way to catch someone is to know how to do it yourself. He did not teach me “to” cheat. Cheating was my decision. I freely admit that.
I am scared that by looking to closely for the facts of my life I will take away some of the magic that brings me happiness. I want so much to believe in the real magic of life that I actively try to disprove it.
I have no faith, but I do have hope.
To me someone with faith “knows” that things will turn out alright regardless of the evidence that might prove otherwise. Someone with hope acknowledges that it might not. My plan is to continue to have hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I believe I would be stupid to do otherwise. I know that many would argue the point with me but I believe faith to be counterproductive.
It’s a new year and in keeping with tradition I have a resolution. I resolve a couple things really and I want to get them down here. I resolve this year to be a pain the ass of my ex-wives. I plan on doing this by bombarding my children with communications in a manner that would make any Psyop’er proud. I resolve to get rid of my excuses and get only down to the explanations. I resolve to stop being scared of myself. I have overcome myself before and I know I can do it again.
