Addictions

I have abused many addictions. I have been “proud” of my ability to out abuse others. Those of us who have addictions tell stories much like war veterans telling stories. We have our own social standing based on “how long” or “how much.” We will brag about what we lost while we pat our pockets looking for our lighters. I have driven myself to be the best addict I could be, mainly because I did not think I could be a good at anything else. Eventually I even gave credit for my successes to my addictions, rather than realize I did great things in spite of them.

I recently quit smoking. I am at about 6 months now and at times I still want a cigarette. I used a variety of ways to stop, including some of the gum, (which is more expensive than smoking) as well as weaning myself down. Eventually I simply could not afford to continue. It’s proven that smoking is a habit whose addictions hit you from many angles. Not only chemically, but also through some sort of mental response trigger. Which is to say that when you do something that you used to do while smoking, you want to smoke. Let me tell you that after half my life of two packs a day there is not much that I have not done “while smoking”. Being able to work at home or working in entertainment did not help. For most the ability to smoke at work is limited but I was not restrained.

I am passed the moodiness now I think. I have been blessed to be in an environment that has been smoke free for the last six months, but for the holidays I will be visiting family and friends. If I were to write about many happy memories in my life, I could easily include the words “drinking” and “smoking”. I am until now untested. My arrogance would not allow me to quit and I am hoping now that my arrogance will not allow me to lose the battle.

I wrote yesterday here about my decisions being based on fear. Throughout the day I thought considerably about how fear really did rule my life. I have been taught to be scared, and I have taught that fear to others.

Using the words “peer pressures” makes about as much sense as “half pregnant”. To say that our addictions are brought about by the “cool kids” tempting us under the bleachers is pretty naive. Something got the cool kids hooked.

I was born in the early 70’s and in that time the general social status of smoking as well as other drugs was much different that we look at it now. I have in my time sampled most drugs that have made it to the news or to popular media. I told myself then and I continue to believe that I did them in a more or less clinical mindset. Some I enjoyed some I did not. Because I had never bothered to get involved enough to lose the lotto I can honestly say I have never had a “bad trip”.

It may be hard for some to believe, but I was “made to understand” which drugs were “ok” and which were not at a very young age. There were drugs done in the house as long as I can remember when I was a child. Tobacco, alcohol, and marijuana were consistent parts of my family’s life. I say above “made to understand”, because what happened is VERY different from being taught.

I am not condoning my mother’s addictions, so please don't think that. I am trying to understand my addictions, and to do that I need to understand hers.

My mothers’ drug of choice is Marijuana. She is also a tobacco user as well as a drinker. She has used these three in concert as long as I can remember, and will likely continue to use them until she passes on.
As far as I can remember my mother never really tried to hide what she did from me. Of course she did realize I was present and did not make an effort to glamorize it. Thinking about it now I can say that maybe I was trusted more than other family members, because I was told/asked not to tell if asked. My mother tried other drugs. I only know this because she has told me so, I have never witnessed her doing these things but something in the way she worded it makes me believe her. When asked why she does not “do” other drugs she will answer the same virtually every time.

“This is enough; I would like that too much.”

I want to be perfectly clear here that when I was a child my mother and I did not get along well. I was so arrogant that I looked at her life and pretty much ignored everything that came from her mouth because I was a normal child who really believes that my parent has no grip on “real” life. A combination of her lack of self-esteem and my abundance of self-esteem created a place where we could not have ever survived together. She needed leadership as badly as I did and although we both wanted to help the other we really did not have the tools.

However, hidden in that woman was a lesson that has probably gone the farthest towards keeping me clean, and keeping me alive. She does not know how this one statement has kept me going and is helping me come out of the fog of lies and fear that I have created for myself.

My mother is addicted to marijuana, but she was still able to set that line and not cross it. How many people can say “This is enough.” when offered more of whatever it is that they feel makes them happy?

I was shown that there is a line of happiness that I must set. It was not until I was much older that I actually understood that to be true. I have to decide what makes me happy. There is a limit to the drugs I can take advantage of to make me happy. Alcohol, love, tobacco, faith, greed, lust, as well as so many others are all addictions and I have to choose what enough is. I have to look at my life and find out which ones I don't need, get rid of them, and take the ones I feel I do need in moderation.

There was a time when I literally looked at my cigarette and said the words: “This makes me happy.” The most powerful lies are the one we tell ourselves. When I have the craving now I can look around at the comfort I already have and say “This is enough.”

I wonder at times if I have ever been “happy”. Does “happier” equal “happy”? I am happier now that I have been at any point in my life. I do not know the words to explain the joy I felt with the birth of my daughters, but at the time I was so overwhelmed with fear for them and for me that I don't know if you can call that “happy”.

Currently I am with a woman who knows that I am a failure. I say this is as a positive thing, so if you are just casually reading this, please don't think that I am unhappy in my relationship. If you have ever failed in any one thing then you are a failure. You really should embrace the idea because I think you can find a lot of happiness in it. When you find someone who at the time of meeting you knows that you are a failure and also knows that chances are you will fail again, yet he or she thinks failing with you would make them happier than succeeding with someone else, I think you may be on the trail of love.

Looking around, it is easy to see that it is the “successful” people who seem to be happy. I don't know if its “true” but that is how it seems. It is they who seem to be sought after for opportunities of love. Again, I have to ask myself what happiness is. Also I would like to point out that the “successful” people are the ones with the most addictions, and that seeking only them for love is evidence that you are chasing addictions of your own. Success itself is an addiction.

I have someone sitting with me on my side of the teeter-totter and together we help to balance out our problems which are stacked on the other side. We are failures but we have not failed. Together we will achieve whatever we need to do to get balance, but I truly hope that we do no more than that.

It has often been said that “Winning is addictive.” There has to come a time when you have to say: “This is enough”. I am not saying that you should try to lose but instead you should ask why you are competing in the first place. Are you doing it honestly because you want to, or are you doing it because of fear of what might happen if you lose? This is a question that is hard to answer out loud, even after we come to terms with it in our thoughts and our soul. (The heart is not a decision maker in my opinion. I believe in a spirit or soul that is one of the deciding factors of our decision making. IF you don't agree that is your right.)

Many people use their addictions to “fight” their fear, but besides distracting us what have our addictions done. Pain and suffering makes us “want” these addictive things. The Fears of pain and suffering make us believe we “need’ them.

I still have fears and therefore I still have addictions, but for right now: “This is enough.”

I love you Mom, and you don't have to be afraid.